A tough pill to swallow...
I originally posted this on my myspace blog, but I had to share it here as well.
****
Yesterday was a really crappy day (and today isn't going great either).
First I found out early in the day that Kristen's aunt passed away in the morning. So my heart was going out to her.
Then later in the afternoon I went to visit my dad, who had to be taken back to the hospital (Montefiore), b/c he had an infection. He needed two blood transfusions so far. He's not in immediate danger b/c thankfully they caught it right away, but still... it's rough to see him in such a state.
Finally, I get home, do a workout to relieve some stress and get on the phone to chat with Ariana for a bit. While I was on the phone with Ariana, I saw that my friend Chaz was trying to call me. I didn't take the call b/c I was still in mid-convo with Ariana but as soon as I hung up with Ariana I got on my laptop both to read James big birthday blog post that I had been looking forward to reading all day, and to IM Chaz to see what was up, and offer to return his call.
Well I IMed Chaz first, and as I stated in my last blog post- he dropped a bombshell on me- my favorite wrestler of ALL TIME, Chris Benoit and his family were found dead in their homes on Monday afternoon.
I sat there in shock… hoping beyond hope it was a cruel joke, but it was posted on all the wrestling sites (including wwe.com) so I knew it was true.
At that point my hands were just trembling, and continued like that for at least 15 minutes. I just kept trying to figure out what could have happened.
Benoit had missed the PPV the night before. When we were at Phil's house for the PPV, we had arrived late, so we only saw the last 3 matches. We then waited for the replay to catch the beginning. But we were getting tired so we figured- "we'll stay only til we see the Benoit vs CM Punk match." But then when they announced Benoit was being replaced due to a "family emergency" we were all like "WHA???"
We immediately hopped online to find out what happened but all that was reported was that Benoit went home to be with his family due to an emergency and wouldn't make the show.
So immediately I'm trying to figure out- "what kind of family emergency ends up with an entire family dead??" My mind began to race- kidnapping? Extortion? Burglary? None of those seemed likely.
The "best case scenario" in my head was that maybe it was Carbon Monoxide poisoning. He could have gone home b/c his kid was sick (CM effects kids easier than adults and is often misdiagnosed as just a flu or something) and then went to bed and just never woke up.
So I watched Raw last night and the show was basically cancelled- it began with Vince McMahon in the ring (thereby throwing the whole "McMahon is dead" story out the window) as he read a statement, which I remember went something like this "tonight the storyline was supposed to be about remembering the alleged demise of my character Mr. McMahon. But in real life, this morning Chris Benoit and his family were found dead. So tonight will be a 3 hour tribute to one of the greatest wrestlers WWE has ever known."
I watched the show, which was basically just old Benoit matches as well as tributes from wrestlers. But thing is… I never cried. I guess I was still in shock, but it wasn't until near the end of the show when they had Chavo and then Edge speak, that I slightly broke out of shock to go into sadness. But still… no tears.
Watching the main event of the evening: the triple threat match at WrestleMania XX from MSG, which I was live in attendance for, was especially bittersweet.
I was chatting online with a few people and here are some excerpts from my convos:
Sheila: watchin that match [The WrestleMania XX Main event with Triple H, Shawn Michaels & Chris Benoit] broke me down
JE: yeah...
JE: knowing both guys are now gone
Sheila: This is just unreal
Sheila: just so unreal JE
Sheila: I know to non fans we look dumb but its like if Derek Jeter died tomorrow
JE: serious
JE: he was my FAVORITE wrestler. not the Rock, or Austin or Bret Hart... no from the first match I ever saw him in- Benoit has been my favorite
JE: i was there at WM XX
JE: when he won the rumble I was jumping around Phil's living room b/c I knew we were going to WrestleMania and i was like "I might get to see benoit win his first title!!"
JE: and i daydreamed of it for like 2 months leading up to the show (cuz yes i'm a dork)
Sheila: no but its the love of this industry
Sheila: you either do or dont
Sheila: to be a wrestlin fan you just have to
Sheila: regardless if he was myf avorite i respected the shit out of benoit
JE: so when he won that title... oh man, i lost it. it was literally a dream come true. i had been waiting so long to see him get the respect he deserved and win the World title. and the fact i was there LIVE- just icing on the cake
Sheila: I'm gonna get ready for work tomorrow
JE: bleh.. i should do the same
JE: but i'm so wound up
Sheila: yea I really am just blah right now
JE: at least for Eddie we found out at like 10am, so we had the WHOLE day to let it sink in
Sheila: yea i just wish we knew what happened
And this convo happened at about the same time:
James: this is so fuckin sad
JE: yeah...
JE: bittersweet to rewatch this
James: don't say anything but i am sitting here balling
James: remembering the emotion in the building
JE: yup
JE: dude... i was screaming
James: i remember
JE: i lost my voice from starting that "Tap, Bitch TAP!" chant
JE: that was the happiest moment i've had watching wrestling
JE: i remember saying right after "Benoit and Eddie Guerrero are both World champions... and everything is right in the world"
Then the show was over. So I went to a wrestling messageboard I check quite often just to see what people were saying about Benoit, and that's when MORE bad news broke out.
It was then being reported that they were looking into the deaths as a "Double Murder-Suicide."
Everyone on the boards was stunned in disbelief. Immediately I thought it was the wife that did it (b/c everything I've EVER heard about Benoit was that he was the nicest, calmest guy around. Hell they just spent 3 hours eulogizing him and saying what a great family man he was).
But sadly, as the night went on it, more rumors (and some facts) began to slip through little by little. And by the time I went to bed around 1:30am, it was looking like Benoit was the culprit behind everything.
These were some posts on the messageboard (over at Online Onslaught.com) that really stood out to me, b/c they encompassed how not only how I felt, but how the wrestling community as a whole was feeling.
****
Denial...we don't want to believe Chris Benoit is dead...we don't want to consider the HOW at all...
Anger...we start to realize the possible ways of how Benoit died...
Bargaining...we hope that what has happening, didn't...we hope that a mother killed her son in order to hold on to our hero...
Depression...a man who was hero worshipped is dead...all signs point to the same man many of us called God being the man responsible for the death of his wife and son...tributes from our heroes friends and co-workers ring hallow and seem disgusting...our God is now a "chicken shit scumbag"
Acceptance....how?
-[I didn't get the author's name and I'm too lazy to go search for it in the 20 pages of posts]
****
At this point, since nobody can say anything that isn't wild speculation, I'd add one bit of speculation that might offer absolution for fans who want to remain fans of Benoit, regardless of outcome. And that is that the man was concussed an awful lot in his time as a wrestler, and as yet, all we know about the longterm effects of concussion isn't very much. But one effect that seems fairly common in football players who've suffered repeated severe concussions is an almost crushing depression and/or manic depression. So even if Benoit is ultimately judged responsible for killing his family and himself, it's possible that he was far from in his right mind and may not have known how serious his problems were. Given the preventive healthcare WWE offers in general — which wavers between "hahahahaha! what problem?" and "lalalalalalalala I CAN'T HEAR YOU" — it's possible he might never have even known problems like his existed.
-Jeb Tennyson Lund
****
I don't know how to feel, I'm grieving and confused. I know you never know what a person is really like, and it's difficult to explain why wrestling is different. You feel like you know them, you watch them every week, and if you're a giant nerd like some of us are, you learn as much as you can about the people on the show. You read their books, check wrestling news sites, and follow the behind the scenes action. You get a feel for who these guys are, what they're like, and the ones who really love it stand out, make an impression. Benoit was one of those. He made me love technical wrestling. The athleticism of it, the pure passion and dedication to entertain millions. He loved it, and I loved him for it.
To hear that he may be responsible for the death of his wife and child, all I can ask is why? Everything is pure speculation at this point, it seems likely he did it, but still I keep asking myself why? And how am I supposed to feel now? I'm torn. I want to grieve, I want to miss a great wrestler in peace. I don't want to think that one of the people I respected most in this business could be responsible for murdering his wife and 7-year-old son.
-Lorey Mysterio [I think this poster summed up my feelings best]
****
I know that we all have different ways of looking at people who commit horrible acts. For me, I firmly believe that a horrible act doesn't necessarily happen because of a bad person.
-chretienbabacool
****
And that's basically where I was at when I came into work this morning and began typing this blog.
Since that time (a little over an hour ago), some preliminary details from the autopsies have been released and right now it is being reported that Benoit strangled his wife on Saturday, smothered his son on Sunday, and then hung himself on Monday.
And that… just disturbs me to no end. It hurts so much to know that someone I've watched for YEARS could be guilty of such a heinous crime. Chris Benoit was the closest thing I had to a celebrity "hero." I won't use the word hero, b/c I never really had any. I never looked up to any actors, musicians, athletes, etc. Mostly b/c I learned at an early age that they aren't as perfect as you may believe they are and they are people just like you and me, so there is no reason to put anyone on a pedestal above yourself.
But Benoit was awesome. When I was in high school (and even college) and daydreaming about becoming a professional wrestler, he was the wrestler I wanted to be. My daydreams consisted of me wrestling in world title matches with Benoit in front of thousands of people (and millions at home on TV).
So this just sucks…
Yet another update:
I just watched the press conference they had on FoxNews (yeah, I normally wouldn't go near that channel but this is a special circumstance). They basically confirmed the info given above, but just pushed up the timeline a bit- Nancy Benoit was killed Friday, the son on early Saturday, and they actually said Benoit probably killed himself on Saturday also… but that's weird b/c I had heard stuff about him sending text messages on Sunday and being in contact with WWE people…so they might be off by a few hours.
Causes of death: asphixiation to both Nancy and Daniel (Nancy was killed in an office, Daniel in his bed). Benoit then went to his basement and hung himself with a cord for one of those weightlifting machines.
To add to the disturbing news: bibles were left near the bodies of both victims.
I just don't even know what to say at this point… I have so many GREAT memories of Benoit, and now… I don't even know how I will feel next time I'm watching through my old wrestling DVDs. The Benoit DVD I have is one of the highlights in my collection… could I bring myself to ever watch it and enjoy it again? Who knows… and then I think of a question brought up on the messageboards:
Does one final unstable act negate a life of good?
I don't know how to answer that. Part of me still really wishes beyond all hope that there was some outside foul play involved b/c this is just too much to handle. I do NOT want to remember Benoit this way.
And then I just think about how the media portrays things like this… and how people will see it. Once again, I have to defend myself as to why I love and watch pro-wrestling. And Benoit was supposed to be one of the safe bets- no drugs, straight up guy, family man, hardest worker in the business. etc. He was the one you could point to when WWE did stupid stories like McMahon blowing up, Eddie trying steal Rey's son, or the Katie Vick angle and say "Ok, THAT might be stupid, but this guy and guys like him are the real reason I watch!"
And now he's gone, and in about the worst way possible. And it puts a bad taste in everyone's mouths.
It's just a tragedy in every sense of the word… and now I'm just done with this. I need to put my mind on something else. I might post back later about this, but we'll see.
All I can think of to say to end this, is that I love and care about all my family and friends… God Bless.
****
Yesterday was a really crappy day (and today isn't going great either).
First I found out early in the day that Kristen's aunt passed away in the morning. So my heart was going out to her.
Then later in the afternoon I went to visit my dad, who had to be taken back to the hospital (Montefiore), b/c he had an infection. He needed two blood transfusions so far. He's not in immediate danger b/c thankfully they caught it right away, but still... it's rough to see him in such a state.
Finally, I get home, do a workout to relieve some stress and get on the phone to chat with Ariana for a bit. While I was on the phone with Ariana, I saw that my friend Chaz was trying to call me. I didn't take the call b/c I was still in mid-convo with Ariana but as soon as I hung up with Ariana I got on my laptop both to read James big birthday blog post that I had been looking forward to reading all day, and to IM Chaz to see what was up, and offer to return his call.
Well I IMed Chaz first, and as I stated in my last blog post- he dropped a bombshell on me- my favorite wrestler of ALL TIME, Chris Benoit and his family were found dead in their homes on Monday afternoon.
I sat there in shock… hoping beyond hope it was a cruel joke, but it was posted on all the wrestling sites (including wwe.com) so I knew it was true.
At that point my hands were just trembling, and continued like that for at least 15 minutes. I just kept trying to figure out what could have happened.
Benoit had missed the PPV the night before. When we were at Phil's house for the PPV, we had arrived late, so we only saw the last 3 matches. We then waited for the replay to catch the beginning. But we were getting tired so we figured- "we'll stay only til we see the Benoit vs CM Punk match." But then when they announced Benoit was being replaced due to a "family emergency" we were all like "WHA???"
We immediately hopped online to find out what happened but all that was reported was that Benoit went home to be with his family due to an emergency and wouldn't make the show.
So immediately I'm trying to figure out- "what kind of family emergency ends up with an entire family dead??" My mind began to race- kidnapping? Extortion? Burglary? None of those seemed likely.
The "best case scenario" in my head was that maybe it was Carbon Monoxide poisoning. He could have gone home b/c his kid was sick (CM effects kids easier than adults and is often misdiagnosed as just a flu or something) and then went to bed and just never woke up.
So I watched Raw last night and the show was basically cancelled- it began with Vince McMahon in the ring (thereby throwing the whole "McMahon is dead" story out the window) as he read a statement, which I remember went something like this "tonight the storyline was supposed to be about remembering the alleged demise of my character Mr. McMahon. But in real life, this morning Chris Benoit and his family were found dead. So tonight will be a 3 hour tribute to one of the greatest wrestlers WWE has ever known."
I watched the show, which was basically just old Benoit matches as well as tributes from wrestlers. But thing is… I never cried. I guess I was still in shock, but it wasn't until near the end of the show when they had Chavo and then Edge speak, that I slightly broke out of shock to go into sadness. But still… no tears.
Watching the main event of the evening: the triple threat match at WrestleMania XX from MSG, which I was live in attendance for, was especially bittersweet.
I was chatting online with a few people and here are some excerpts from my convos:
Sheila: watchin that match [The WrestleMania XX Main event with Triple H, Shawn Michaels & Chris Benoit] broke me down
JE: yeah...
JE: knowing both guys are now gone
Sheila: This is just unreal
Sheila: just so unreal JE
Sheila: I know to non fans we look dumb but its like if Derek Jeter died tomorrow
JE: serious
JE: he was my FAVORITE wrestler. not the Rock, or Austin or Bret Hart... no from the first match I ever saw him in- Benoit has been my favorite
JE: i was there at WM XX
JE: when he won the rumble I was jumping around Phil's living room b/c I knew we were going to WrestleMania and i was like "I might get to see benoit win his first title!!"
JE: and i daydreamed of it for like 2 months leading up to the show (cuz yes i'm a dork)
Sheila: no but its the love of this industry
Sheila: you either do or dont
Sheila: to be a wrestlin fan you just have to
Sheila: regardless if he was myf avorite i respected the shit out of benoit
JE: so when he won that title... oh man, i lost it. it was literally a dream come true. i had been waiting so long to see him get the respect he deserved and win the World title. and the fact i was there LIVE- just icing on the cake
Sheila: I'm gonna get ready for work tomorrow
JE: bleh.. i should do the same
JE: but i'm so wound up
Sheila: yea I really am just blah right now
JE: at least for Eddie we found out at like 10am, so we had the WHOLE day to let it sink in
Sheila: yea i just wish we knew what happened
And this convo happened at about the same time:
James: this is so fuckin sad
JE: yeah...
JE: bittersweet to rewatch this
James: don't say anything but i am sitting here balling
James: remembering the emotion in the building
JE: yup
JE: dude... i was screaming
James: i remember
JE: i lost my voice from starting that "Tap, Bitch TAP!" chant
JE: that was the happiest moment i've had watching wrestling
JE: i remember saying right after "Benoit and Eddie Guerrero are both World champions... and everything is right in the world"
Then the show was over. So I went to a wrestling messageboard I check quite often just to see what people were saying about Benoit, and that's when MORE bad news broke out.
It was then being reported that they were looking into the deaths as a "Double Murder-Suicide."
Everyone on the boards was stunned in disbelief. Immediately I thought it was the wife that did it (b/c everything I've EVER heard about Benoit was that he was the nicest, calmest guy around. Hell they just spent 3 hours eulogizing him and saying what a great family man he was).
But sadly, as the night went on it, more rumors (and some facts) began to slip through little by little. And by the time I went to bed around 1:30am, it was looking like Benoit was the culprit behind everything.
These were some posts on the messageboard (over at Online Onslaught.com) that really stood out to me, b/c they encompassed how not only how I felt, but how the wrestling community as a whole was feeling.
****
Denial...we don't want to believe Chris Benoit is dead...we don't want to consider the HOW at all...
Anger...we start to realize the possible ways of how Benoit died...
Bargaining...we hope that what has happening, didn't...we hope that a mother killed her son in order to hold on to our hero...
Depression...a man who was hero worshipped is dead...all signs point to the same man many of us called God being the man responsible for the death of his wife and son...tributes from our heroes friends and co-workers ring hallow and seem disgusting...our God is now a "chicken shit scumbag"
Acceptance....how?
-[I didn't get the author's name and I'm too lazy to go search for it in the 20 pages of posts]
****
At this point, since nobody can say anything that isn't wild speculation, I'd add one bit of speculation that might offer absolution for fans who want to remain fans of Benoit, regardless of outcome. And that is that the man was concussed an awful lot in his time as a wrestler, and as yet, all we know about the longterm effects of concussion isn't very much. But one effect that seems fairly common in football players who've suffered repeated severe concussions is an almost crushing depression and/or manic depression. So even if Benoit is ultimately judged responsible for killing his family and himself, it's possible that he was far from in his right mind and may not have known how serious his problems were. Given the preventive healthcare WWE offers in general — which wavers between "hahahahaha! what problem?" and "lalalalalalalala I CAN'T HEAR YOU" — it's possible he might never have even known problems like his existed.
-Jeb Tennyson Lund
****
I don't know how to feel, I'm grieving and confused. I know you never know what a person is really like, and it's difficult to explain why wrestling is different. You feel like you know them, you watch them every week, and if you're a giant nerd like some of us are, you learn as much as you can about the people on the show. You read their books, check wrestling news sites, and follow the behind the scenes action. You get a feel for who these guys are, what they're like, and the ones who really love it stand out, make an impression. Benoit was one of those. He made me love technical wrestling. The athleticism of it, the pure passion and dedication to entertain millions. He loved it, and I loved him for it.
To hear that he may be responsible for the death of his wife and child, all I can ask is why? Everything is pure speculation at this point, it seems likely he did it, but still I keep asking myself why? And how am I supposed to feel now? I'm torn. I want to grieve, I want to miss a great wrestler in peace. I don't want to think that one of the people I respected most in this business could be responsible for murdering his wife and 7-year-old son.
-Lorey Mysterio [I think this poster summed up my feelings best]
****
I know that we all have different ways of looking at people who commit horrible acts. For me, I firmly believe that a horrible act doesn't necessarily happen because of a bad person.
-chretienbabacool
****
And that's basically where I was at when I came into work this morning and began typing this blog.
Since that time (a little over an hour ago), some preliminary details from the autopsies have been released and right now it is being reported that Benoit strangled his wife on Saturday, smothered his son on Sunday, and then hung himself on Monday.
And that… just disturbs me to no end. It hurts so much to know that someone I've watched for YEARS could be guilty of such a heinous crime. Chris Benoit was the closest thing I had to a celebrity "hero." I won't use the word hero, b/c I never really had any. I never looked up to any actors, musicians, athletes, etc. Mostly b/c I learned at an early age that they aren't as perfect as you may believe they are and they are people just like you and me, so there is no reason to put anyone on a pedestal above yourself.
But Benoit was awesome. When I was in high school (and even college) and daydreaming about becoming a professional wrestler, he was the wrestler I wanted to be. My daydreams consisted of me wrestling in world title matches with Benoit in front of thousands of people (and millions at home on TV).
So this just sucks…
Yet another update:
I just watched the press conference they had on FoxNews (yeah, I normally wouldn't go near that channel but this is a special circumstance). They basically confirmed the info given above, but just pushed up the timeline a bit- Nancy Benoit was killed Friday, the son on early Saturday, and they actually said Benoit probably killed himself on Saturday also… but that's weird b/c I had heard stuff about him sending text messages on Sunday and being in contact with WWE people…so they might be off by a few hours.
Causes of death: asphixiation to both Nancy and Daniel (Nancy was killed in an office, Daniel in his bed). Benoit then went to his basement and hung himself with a cord for one of those weightlifting machines.
To add to the disturbing news: bibles were left near the bodies of both victims.
I just don't even know what to say at this point… I have so many GREAT memories of Benoit, and now… I don't even know how I will feel next time I'm watching through my old wrestling DVDs. The Benoit DVD I have is one of the highlights in my collection… could I bring myself to ever watch it and enjoy it again? Who knows… and then I think of a question brought up on the messageboards:
Does one final unstable act negate a life of good?
I don't know how to answer that. Part of me still really wishes beyond all hope that there was some outside foul play involved b/c this is just too much to handle. I do NOT want to remember Benoit this way.
And then I just think about how the media portrays things like this… and how people will see it. Once again, I have to defend myself as to why I love and watch pro-wrestling. And Benoit was supposed to be one of the safe bets- no drugs, straight up guy, family man, hardest worker in the business. etc. He was the one you could point to when WWE did stupid stories like McMahon blowing up, Eddie trying steal Rey's son, or the Katie Vick angle and say "Ok, THAT might be stupid, but this guy and guys like him are the real reason I watch!"
And now he's gone, and in about the worst way possible. And it puts a bad taste in everyone's mouths.
It's just a tragedy in every sense of the word… and now I'm just done with this. I need to put my mind on something else. I might post back later about this, but we'll see.
All I can think of to say to end this, is that I love and care about all my family and friends… God Bless.
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